Of animals in the office

A dear colleague left the company I'm working at for a better offer at Maxis. I would admit that I feel a mite discomfitted at the loss of a familiar face. The selfish prig in me wanted her to stay but the pragmatist wished her all the best in her move. Better things await her I'll bet, instead of mouldering away in a job that I suspect she was beginning to resent. I find myself envious at her windfall. It's only human, I suppose.

It would be conjecture on my part but I suspect that it wasn't just the work she was starting to resent but the persons involved as well.

Pray, am I one of them?

Some were asking me what I would do now that she is gone. I was a bit surprised at the silliness of it all: was I not breathing before I knew her? What did they expect, that I lose it and start going Hannibal Lecter on people? People come and go. Especially in an office environment. Since I dare call myself her friend, should I not be glad she's leaving for greener pastures? La, people are such fools sometimes. They would presume to judge you on only a small aspect of your life that they see in the office and make assumptions--usually unflattering ones. Perhaps they meant it in good clean fun. Perhaps not. I wouldn't dream of calling myself a mind-reader but if what they vocalize is what they were thinking ... do I even want to go there?

Whilst on the topic of presumptious fools, what does it say about your superiors who seemed to be incapable of doing nothing else but gossip endlessly in the office? Or butting in on your conversations with your colleagues? Or kept touching you inappropriately? Or simply put, just congenitally stupid? I usually operate on a slightly jaded worldview but today my mind decided to go on its psychedelic weekend mode extraordinarily early.

The result is that my office suddenly turned into a morbidly bizarre Looney Tunes episode.

The players are:
1. Madame du Viper - A pit viper with a poisonous tongue. The wannabe queen bee. Tendency to backstab, tattle, rumor-monger and bully those too weak to fight back. Could be mistaken for a male of the species when viewed from the back (squat and f-ugly!).

2. The Placeholder Drone - Takes the form of a giant wasp. Can be vicious and poisonous--though not as virulent as the Viper. Rendered impoptent due to second-string status, this one hungers for their turn in the spotlight. Usually found buzzing around looking for scraps of gossip, info, potential blackmail material and such--all to increase their relevance in the office.

3. The Wise Owl - A beneficent parental/mentor figure. Usually sits in the background, but within visual contact of the staff. Tends to rely much on their direct subordinate(s).

4. The Tree Shrew/Rat - As a colleague, this one is DANGEROUS! Usually pleasant of face, dress or demeanour. Credit-stealing is the least they will do. As a superior, this one is an EXTINCTION-LEVEL threat. Utilises mother-hen antics to hide their deficiencies. Suffers from a form of megalomania, can be found running around being a know-all, help-all, handle-all. Much like their namesake, will sacrifice their staffs' or colleagues' wellbeing, sanity, livelihood, reputation and self-esteem if it could save their sorry necks or further their career.

5. The Bear Savant - Takes the form of a honey bear (Think Baloo from The Jungle Book). Smart, knowledgable and approachable they tend to hold their peers' respect as colleagues, and their staffs' loyalty as superiors.

6. The Ducks-in-a-Row - Mostly harmless, they tend to be void of identity. However, the unwary has been known to be pecked to death sometimes--if they report directly to the Viper/Shrew/Rat types. When they do report to the aforementioned, they will usually have carte blanche to do as they will, as their superiors' proxy.

7. The Busy Bees - As workers, they're indispensible. They're conscientous, industrious and knowledgable (if not capable). No pushover, they've been known to attack aggressors with their deadly sting--and they're not averse to teaming up against larger opponents. Favourite victims: Viper/Shrew/Rat.

8. The Funny Monkey - The office clown. Can be counted on to enliven the office. No natural enemies as Owls appreciate their intrinsic value as comic-relief and agressors see them as non-threatening. Tendency to clown around however, lands them foul of the Placeholder when the latter is on the warpath.

9. The Cat - Usually found alone. Can be sociable but erratic. While personable, has a tendency to go from one mood swing to another. Tends to take a neutral stance in office politics. While more concerned with his meal-ticket and creature comforts, can be ferocious when prodded in the wrong way. Has a natural antipathy towards the Viper/Shrew/Rat types. Gets along well with the Bear and the Bees. Ironically, they tend to be at loggerheads with Monkeys, who find their mood swings disturbing.


It is obvious that they don't give me enough to do at work if I can actually come up with this in my head while updating databases!