Of paint-splatters and egocentric divas

So, I was catching up on my dose of YouTube fun—watching posts from friends, serials that'll never see the light of day here in Malaysia and plain ole browsing.

Now, I know that last cycle of ANTM was pretty whacked out. Yes, I'm still crushed that McKey won over my favourites Elina and Analeigh. And gobsmacked that the clueless, bow-legged Samantha actually walked in the finale's fashion show ... and the fact I had to see Whitney Thompson again. Oh, Dominique ... why have you deserted me?

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Okay, so this new season of ANTM starts off to a crazy start. Yes, this one actually topped the pseudo-futuristic Top Model Institute of Technology nightmare that'll have every science geek turn in his badge and begin pledging to metrosexual machismo.

The cycle's premiere takes place in Las Vegas. What better place to welcome the newest batch of wannabe tarts models than the City of Sin?

Since this is Las Vegas, the show started with a historic theme with Roman centurions and togas--Ceasar's Palace, et al, remember? We have the girls streaming into the place where Tyra graced them with her divine presence as the "Goddess of Fierce." Wow. Barely 10 minutes into the show and she's bringing on the crazy. Cue screaming girls here.

Any louder and they'll sound like a bunch of Liverpudlian schoolgirls who just saw the Beatles touch down at the tarmac.

The usual round of interviews followed and we're treated to your usual reality-TV fillers. The girls run the gamut here: we have a street preacher, an epileptic, a bug-eyed (No, not you Christina!) girl who confessed to liking the sight of blood and admits she finds "nosebleeds are sexy," an Afro-ed Amazon and a former burn victim. Oh, and don't forget the silly twit who brought her entire pen collection but couldn't name 5 working models. Hello, clueless! It's a modelling competition, remember?

To cut a stupid story short, they selected the lucky 13 out of the bunch of screaming maggots girls to live in the Top Model house—which, coincidentally is filled with photos of Tyra. Goddess of Fierce? Try Goddess of Narcissism.

The lucky 13 are as follows (with stricken-through names eliminated as of to date):
1. Aminat: the Amazon with the Afro
2. Tahlia: the Burn Victim
3. Natalie: Miss Sassypants
4. Sandra: the African Bitch. Much like Nnenna and Fatima.
5. Allison: Bug-eyed, Blood-Loving Girl
6. London: Manic Street Preacher
7. Fo: the Blaxican
8. Jessica: the Pretty Girl ("I've never been called ugly"). Didn't you study your ANTM Manual? Tyra hates the "pretty-pretties."
9. Nijah: the Prom Queen
10. Celia: the Ice-Blonde Glamazon
11: Isabella: the Epileptic
12: Teyona: the Alien. The size of her forehead!
13: Kortnie: the [not-quite] Plus-Sized Girl. "My body is a temple and the temple wants cheesecake!"

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Alas, the last photo shoot was a nightmare as some girls were big disappointments with the judges, while some surprised the panel with some very, very alluring shots.

The concept of this week's photo shoot is a beauty shot with a twist; the modellettes will be spattered with coloured powder and swatches of make-up, and they need to emote according to the colour. Sounds simple, no?

Not really, if the photos are any judge.


Celia Ammerman is splattered in gray. It was an interesting take on a profile shot, but you can tell there is strength and an iron will behind her eyes.

Teyona Alienson Anderson is yellow. Frankly, I don't get what is it about this photo that made Tyrant go positively moist with her "hope and change" speech. Her eyes, while looking somewhere in the distant, still looks blank and is a classic example of the make-up doing all the work.

Metallic blue was the colour chosen for London Levi. Looking like an alabaster-skinned goddess, this photo is rife with interesting little details: the raised shoulder, the delineation of her clavicle, the sombre emotion in her blue eyes. My only gripe about the photo is that in turning her head at the photo's current angle, London lost her neck.

Would you believe the judges actually had her placed in bottom three?!?

Sandra Nyanchoka wanted to embody the purity and angelic connotations behind white. What she ended up looking like is the confused love-child of Dennis Rodman and Harley Quinn.

Thank Heavens this lousy photo sent her packing.

Passion. Energy. That was what Fo Porter embodied in this exquisite shot. The arched eyebrows, the pouty lips, the way her freckles blended with the fine smatterings of red pigment and of course, she was smiling with her eyes.

Hello! What have we here? The latest MAC ad campaign? No, it was another pleasant surprise from this cycle's underdog Tahlia Brookins. Her softly sensual look makes you want to buy violet lipstick, doesn't it?

I feel almost sorry for this cycle's resident freakshow. Allison Harvard is a young photography afficionado, and she's as cute as a button. A cutie-pie who likes blood and finds nose-bleeds sexy. She tells people she's stealing their souls with her eyes. Understandably, her shutterbug hobby lends her a slight edge over the other girls, but she has "only one look," as noted by judge Paulina Porizkova.

Her embodiment of hot pink, though beautiful, is bland and uninspired. True, it looks like it belongs among the pages of Vogue or Marie Clare but still a sub-par performance for someone who started out so strongly in the competition.

Judge Nigel Barker likens Natalie Pack to Keira Knightley. My jury's still out on that one, but I'm certain that the willowy actress is yards the better model (Coco Mademoiselle?) than this cycle's Miss Sassypants.

Alas, for Miss Hack Pack. While she is a beautiful girl—and currently is the most modelesque of the girls—she has yet to master finding the correct angles to maximize her delicate bone structure. Her head-on photo looks like she had her face squashed against a shop window.

It seems emoting orange—which is fun, vibrant and almost psychedelic—is a bit too far out of her range; making her look vague and haughtily disinterested, raised eyebrows be damned.

Green with envy? Not Aminat Ayinde. The statuesque 6'11" beauty instead went for a more earthier and softer associations with the colour. She finally mastered her angles, and her lips are perfection—do I foresee lip gloss sales skyrocketing anytime soon?

*Photos credited to the CW