Of temptations and seductions

Temptation.

It is defined as something that entices or something alluring.

They come in many forms. It could be that second slice of cheesecake. Or that “up to 70% off!” sale at Massimo Dutti. Or that intelligent, witty young gentleman in your office. 

Who happens to be your subordinate. And you’re already in a relationship.

Fine. I could never let the dessert cart pass me without divesting it of its offerings. And three of the sales associates at 1U’s Massimo Dutti already know me by name.

But the one thing I’ve always pride myself in is my control over my own emotions—how I could nip any apparent chink in my façade of indifference and stow them away in the darkest recesses of my mind. God knows, it’s pretty dark in there …

Let me just state for the record that nothing untoward had—or will—happen between that young man and I. I’ve heard on the grapevine that some in the office were all a-clack about the going-ons between the two of us. Of course, filth such as those shouldn’t be pandered to but one can’t help but wonder if there was anything in my—or our—interaction that may have added fuel to the fire.

Perhaps I was overly solicitous in my dealings with him, and I sometimes blur the lines when it came to communication; I treated him as I would a friend when I barely knew him and before I knew it I was incessantly peeling the metaphorical onion. Every single layer of this beautiful young man makes me want to keep him for myself.

Therein lays the crux of it. I was looking up the synonyms for temptation and I found the following: lure, attraction, pull, seduction.

Yes, I was lured by his easy smile and crackerjack wit. I don’t deny that he is physically attractive, with one of the most symmetrical features I have ever seen ( and though I am of the opinion his wardrobe could use some tweaking or minor revamp, I'm certainly not holding that against him!). His openness, willingness to learn, agile mind and general bonhomie instantly pulls one in. 

And yes, I was seduced. Gads, was I seduced.

Seduced by those qualities and what-might-have-beens, I flirted nervously with the idea that maybe the forbidden should be ignored and acted upon. I would like to dramatize it for all it was worth and said I agonized over it for nights on end, but no. I quelled it after 3 minutes of those thoughts popping in my head and started to distance myself from him.

At times like these, I felt relieved that I’m able to compartmentalize emotions as easy as some people wiggle their ears. For the longest time I suspected that such ability may be indicative of a dissociative personality—that gives credence to the remarks that I am heartless and unfeeling. Perhaps it is just a simple matter of it being my own defence mechanism.

The more fanciful part of me likes to call it strategic withdrawal.

For now, I am content to let him be and remain distant from him, safe in the fact that he will always have my highest esteem and regard—and myself safe from losing his. 

* * * * * * *

I was reminded of this song by Melissa Etheridge, Angels Would Fall (video below)

9th June, 10:47pm

The mattress was lumpy and as I lay awake at night I ruminate on the paths that led me here. If I had stayed on one course--the one I left after a disastrous affair with a razor blade and a bottle of brandy--would it still have lead me here?

(Would it still have led me to you?)

I wonder at times at the things people do when situations demand them to rise to the occasion. What prompted such Herculean efforts to surmount those overwhelming odds? And why sometimes some would rather curl up and die than stir themselves for their own survival?

We sometimes limit ourselves without knowing it. The joy and pleasure we had in things when we were small seemed to have lost their luster, and this existence lost their magic. We no longer go through life with rose-coloured glasses but we see it stark and naked--much like our faults and foibles. Irony is, those faults and foibles became our suit of armour as we go about our lives.

These are one of the many thoughts percolating at the back of my head when I observe people around me: What made you change? What keeps you going?

(What was it that you couldn't define yet still compels you to stand by me?)

In this life where choices define us, I have made my peace with mine. There are things I'd like to do over, but for what it worth those choices were made on my own cognizance and I stand by them. No regrets. I will admit though, that my choices concerning you still have me at a loss. If life is made up of paths and roads, then we're breaking our own trail and I sometimes wonder where we'll end up, or where I might lead you.

Once, when I voiced my doubt out loud, you said, "You'll lead me home."