Often did I sometimes perch myself on one of those pyramidical cylinders at the park and wondered if all I could see was all I needed to know of this life. I lost count what I did back then but I did remember that I was a foolish little boy who once played the truant to escape the humdrum school days. Or the bullies.
I was young. Impressionable. In my pride and foolhardiness I tempted my luck too many times over and have walked away from a past while not filled with regrets, was something I would be hard-pressed to admit I was proud of.
Overly melodramatic, perhaps. Frankly honest, yes.
When I looked back on things now with eyes more seasoned towards thirty cycles of the sun, I feel like laughing at myself. Was I that absorbed in my own self-importance? Lackaday. If I'd met that boy now I would've been spitting on him. And with great relish. In retrospect, it is good to realize that we were once fools. Just that some of us would prefer not to relish the process!
It was a painful realization that I realized that whatever small capacity I had for feeling--save anger and rage--died with someone dear to me. No, I will not name names, for they're unneeded--nor pertinent--at this point. It was even more painful that whatever glimmer of light I chanced upon should tantalize me with a whispered spark ... but I am swimming aloone in these cold depths. Like the Eskimos, I have my Sedna chasing me from beyond the murky deeps.
I would like to style myself as Robinson Crusoe inside my head, that I'll find that lost savage within me and cleave him to the light.
Only when darkness meets the light will I be balanced.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
"Drowning for Mako"
It was a dark cold emptiness
that I had to brave for you
Frayed knots I need to undo
My limbs grow cold and unfeeling
and I start to slip under
Don't let me go, never
let me go without an inkling
Will this be a short journey?
Or am I doomed to failure
floating, floating forever
My bones grow brittle and
I start to break apart
Oh my fragile heart!
Fractured from end to end
The water fills me, it fills me
It consumes, takes me over
And slowly, I'm pulled under
My shell expands like gossamer
And my limbs now move
Like birds in sky above
A most graceful swimmer
Ah bliss! My journey is unending
yet no longer am I lonely
My totem, you're with me
that I had to brave for you
Frayed knots I need to undo
My limbs grow cold and unfeeling
and I start to slip under
Don't let me go, never
let me go without an inkling
Will this be a short journey?
Or am I doomed to failure
floating, floating forever
My bones grow brittle and
I start to break apart
Oh my fragile heart!
Fractured from end to end
The water fills me, it fills me
It consumes, takes me over
And slowly, I'm pulled under
My shell expands like gossamer
And my limbs now move
Like birds in sky above
A most graceful swimmer
Ah bliss! My journey is unending
yet no longer am I lonely
My totem, you're with me
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Of losing stupidity
You remember the poem about Solomon Grundy? Born on Monday ... dead on Sunday?
I forgot how it all went. Handily enough, I have a new take on a certain Solomon Grundy of mine: Born on Tuesday, doped to the gills all the way, OD'd on Sunday, died on--surprise, surprise--Tuesday.
Please, judge me not too harshly for being unsympathetic. It boggles my marbles when an intelligent young man decides to throw all he had going for him for the sake of a few extra milligramme of liquid high. I hoped it was worth it. I hoped his life--what it might have been, what he could have achieved if he wasn't so out of it--flashes before his eyes. I doubt if he was lucid enough but I hope to all that is holy he suffered. Like how his family and friends suffered.
Like those people who picked up the slack--keeping mum about his whereabaouts, helping him through his withdrawal. People who helped him to the toilet when he could barely make it past his filthy, stinking bed.
Is this what it's like in the middle of a hurricane? Standing in the middle of a deceptive calm while everything spins out of control.
Who was it that was spiralling out of the centre? Was it him, or was it us all along?
Did we try too hard to tether a fey spirit, did we smother it with our concern?
It was a life marked by sadness. Not his, for he was laughing and cackling away when we tried to slap him to his senses. No ... he was having too much fun to stop.
Well ... it finally stopped for him. And we're left to pick up the pieces.
Again.
I forgot how it all went. Handily enough, I have a new take on a certain Solomon Grundy of mine: Born on Tuesday, doped to the gills all the way, OD'd on Sunday, died on--surprise, surprise--Tuesday.
Please, judge me not too harshly for being unsympathetic. It boggles my marbles when an intelligent young man decides to throw all he had going for him for the sake of a few extra milligramme of liquid high. I hoped it was worth it. I hoped his life--what it might have been, what he could have achieved if he wasn't so out of it--flashes before his eyes. I doubt if he was lucid enough but I hope to all that is holy he suffered. Like how his family and friends suffered.
Like those people who picked up the slack--keeping mum about his whereabaouts, helping him through his withdrawal. People who helped him to the toilet when he could barely make it past his filthy, stinking bed.
Is this what it's like in the middle of a hurricane? Standing in the middle of a deceptive calm while everything spins out of control.
Who was it that was spiralling out of the centre? Was it him, or was it us all along?
Did we try too hard to tether a fey spirit, did we smother it with our concern?
It was a life marked by sadness. Not his, for he was laughing and cackling away when we tried to slap him to his senses. No ... he was having too much fun to stop.
Well ... it finally stopped for him. And we're left to pick up the pieces.
Again.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Of animals in the office
A dear colleague left the company I'm working at for a better offer at Maxis. I would admit that I feel a mite discomfitted at the loss of a familiar face. The selfish prig in me wanted her to stay but the pragmatist wished her all the best in her move. Better things await her I'll bet, instead of mouldering away in a job that I suspect she was beginning to resent. I find myself envious at her windfall. It's only human, I suppose.
It would be conjecture on my part but I suspect that it wasn't just the work she was starting to resent but the persons involved as well.
Pray, am I one of them?
Some were asking me what I would do now that she is gone. I was a bit surprised at the silliness of it all: was I not breathing before I knew her? What did they expect, that I lose it and start going Hannibal Lecter on people? People come and go. Especially in an office environment. Since I dare call myself her friend, should I not be glad she's leaving for greener pastures? La, people are such fools sometimes. They would presume to judge you on only a small aspect of your life that they see in the office and make assumptions--usually unflattering ones. Perhaps they meant it in good clean fun. Perhaps not. I wouldn't dream of calling myself a mind-reader but if what they vocalize is what they were thinking ... do I even want to go there?
Whilst on the topic of presumptious fools, what does it say about your superiors who seemed to be incapable of doing nothing else but gossip endlessly in the office? Or butting in on your conversations with your colleagues? Or kept touching you inappropriately? Or simply put, just congenitally stupid? I usually operate on a slightly jaded worldview but today my mind decided to go on its psychedelic weekend mode extraordinarily early.
The result is that my office suddenly turned into a morbidly bizarre Looney Tunes episode.
The players are:
1. Madame du Viper - A pit viper with a poisonous tongue. The wannabe queen bee. Tendency to backstab, tattle, rumor-monger and bully those too weak to fight back. Could be mistaken for a male of the species when viewed from the back (squat and f-ugly!).
2. The Placeholder Drone - Takes the form of a giant wasp. Can be vicious and poisonous--though not as virulent as the Viper. Rendered impoptent due to second-string status, this one hungers for their turn in the spotlight. Usually found buzzing around looking for scraps of gossip, info, potential blackmail material and such--all to increase their relevance in the office.
3. The Wise Owl - A beneficent parental/mentor figure. Usually sits in the background, but within visual contact of the staff. Tends to rely much on their direct subordinate(s).
4. The Tree Shrew/Rat - As a colleague, this one is DANGEROUS! Usually pleasant of face, dress or demeanour. Credit-stealing is the least they will do. As a superior, this one is an EXTINCTION-LEVEL threat. Utilises mother-hen antics to hide their deficiencies. Suffers from a form of megalomania, can be found running around being a know-all, help-all, handle-all. Much like their namesake, will sacrifice their staffs' or colleagues' wellbeing, sanity, livelihood, reputation and self-esteem if it could save their sorry necks or further their career.
5. The Bear Savant - Takes the form of a honey bear (Think Baloo from The Jungle Book). Smart, knowledgable and approachable they tend to hold their peers' respect as colleagues, and their staffs' loyalty as superiors.
6. The Ducks-in-a-Row - Mostly harmless, they tend to be void of identity. However, the unwary has been known to be pecked to death sometimes--if they report directly to the Viper/Shrew/Rat types. When they do report to the aforementioned, they will usually have carte blanche to do as they will, as their superiors' proxy.
7. The Busy Bees - As workers, they're indispensible. They're conscientous, industrious and knowledgable (if not capable). No pushover, they've been known to attack aggressors with their deadly sting--and they're not averse to teaming up against larger opponents. Favourite victims: Viper/Shrew/Rat.
8. The Funny Monkey - The office clown. Can be counted on to enliven the office. No natural enemies as Owls appreciate their intrinsic value as comic-relief and agressors see them as non-threatening. Tendency to clown around however, lands them foul of the Placeholder when the latter is on the warpath.
9. The Cat - Usually found alone. Can be sociable but erratic. While personable, has a tendency to go from one mood swing to another. Tends to take a neutral stance in office politics. While more concerned with his meal-ticket and creature comforts, can be ferocious when prodded in the wrong way. Has a natural antipathy towards the Viper/Shrew/Rat types. Gets along well with the Bear and the Bees. Ironically, they tend to be at loggerheads with Monkeys, who find their mood swings disturbing.
It is obvious that they don't give me enough to do at work if I can actually come up with this in my head while updating databases!
It would be conjecture on my part but I suspect that it wasn't just the work she was starting to resent but the persons involved as well.
Pray, am I one of them?
Some were asking me what I would do now that she is gone. I was a bit surprised at the silliness of it all: was I not breathing before I knew her? What did they expect, that I lose it and start going Hannibal Lecter on people? People come and go. Especially in an office environment. Since I dare call myself her friend, should I not be glad she's leaving for greener pastures? La, people are such fools sometimes. They would presume to judge you on only a small aspect of your life that they see in the office and make assumptions--usually unflattering ones. Perhaps they meant it in good clean fun. Perhaps not. I wouldn't dream of calling myself a mind-reader but if what they vocalize is what they were thinking ... do I even want to go there?
Whilst on the topic of presumptious fools, what does it say about your superiors who seemed to be incapable of doing nothing else but gossip endlessly in the office? Or butting in on your conversations with your colleagues? Or kept touching you inappropriately? Or simply put, just congenitally stupid? I usually operate on a slightly jaded worldview but today my mind decided to go on its psychedelic weekend mode extraordinarily early.
The result is that my office suddenly turned into a morbidly bizarre Looney Tunes episode.
The players are:
1. Madame du Viper - A pit viper with a poisonous tongue. The wannabe queen bee. Tendency to backstab, tattle, rumor-monger and bully those too weak to fight back. Could be mistaken for a male of the species when viewed from the back (squat and f-ugly!).
2. The Placeholder Drone - Takes the form of a giant wasp. Can be vicious and poisonous--though not as virulent as the Viper. Rendered impoptent due to second-string status, this one hungers for their turn in the spotlight. Usually found buzzing around looking for scraps of gossip, info, potential blackmail material and such--all to increase their relevance in the office.
3. The Wise Owl - A beneficent parental/mentor figure. Usually sits in the background, but within visual contact of the staff. Tends to rely much on their direct subordinate(s).
4. The Tree Shrew/Rat - As a colleague, this one is DANGEROUS! Usually pleasant of face, dress or demeanour. Credit-stealing is the least they will do. As a superior, this one is an EXTINCTION-LEVEL threat. Utilises mother-hen antics to hide their deficiencies. Suffers from a form of megalomania, can be found running around being a know-all, help-all, handle-all. Much like their namesake, will sacrifice their staffs' or colleagues' wellbeing, sanity, livelihood, reputation and self-esteem if it could save their sorry necks or further their career.
5. The Bear Savant - Takes the form of a honey bear (Think Baloo from The Jungle Book). Smart, knowledgable and approachable they tend to hold their peers' respect as colleagues, and their staffs' loyalty as superiors.
6. The Ducks-in-a-Row - Mostly harmless, they tend to be void of identity. However, the unwary has been known to be pecked to death sometimes--if they report directly to the Viper/Shrew/Rat types. When they do report to the aforementioned, they will usually have carte blanche to do as they will, as their superiors' proxy.
7. The Busy Bees - As workers, they're indispensible. They're conscientous, industrious and knowledgable (if not capable). No pushover, they've been known to attack aggressors with their deadly sting--and they're not averse to teaming up against larger opponents. Favourite victims: Viper/Shrew/Rat.
8. The Funny Monkey - The office clown. Can be counted on to enliven the office. No natural enemies as Owls appreciate their intrinsic value as comic-relief and agressors see them as non-threatening. Tendency to clown around however, lands them foul of the Placeholder when the latter is on the warpath.
9. The Cat - Usually found alone. Can be sociable but erratic. While personable, has a tendency to go from one mood swing to another. Tends to take a neutral stance in office politics. While more concerned with his meal-ticket and creature comforts, can be ferocious when prodded in the wrong way. Has a natural antipathy towards the Viper/Shrew/Rat types. Gets along well with the Bear and the Bees. Ironically, they tend to be at loggerheads with Monkeys, who find their mood swings disturbing.
It is obvious that they don't give me enough to do at work if I can actually come up with this in my head while updating databases!
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
"Words"
You can call me your comfort zone
as you rest your head on me.
You can call me when you feel the need
to talk your troubles out.
You can scream and rant at me
if it makes you feel better.
I have but words
and they stumble
upon your tongue
You can hold me, hug me
when the cold night air blows.
You can slam me into the wall
to cushion your thoughtless swerve.
You can be my sun, my light, my life
as I gravitate to the hum of your core.
I have but words
and they echo
unheard in silence
You can remake yourself
yet all I need is the person within
You can redeem yourself
yet all is already forgiven
You can fly unfettered
and all I need is your return
I have but words
and they stumble ...
Like me
as you rest your head on me.
You can call me when you feel the need
to talk your troubles out.
You can scream and rant at me
if it makes you feel better.
I have but words
and they stumble
upon your tongue
You can hold me, hug me
when the cold night air blows.
You can slam me into the wall
to cushion your thoughtless swerve.
You can be my sun, my light, my life
as I gravitate to the hum of your core.
I have but words
and they echo
unheard in silence
You can remake yourself
yet all I need is the person within
You can redeem yourself
yet all is already forgiven
You can fly unfettered
and all I need is your return
I have but words
and they stumble ...
Like me
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Of findings and Cheshire smiles
I've often been told I'm a study of contradictions. I wouldn't know just how true that might be as the discussions -- so I've been told -- usually takes place outside of my hearing. To give the gossipy folks their due, I would say they are correct but one must excuse me for being uncharacteristically close-mouthed on the exact veracity of their suppositions. After all, it wouldn't do to tip my hand ... I might be misanthropic, but definitely far from being moronic.
I would like to say that yes, I walk around with an exposed nerve. I'm emotionally trigger-happy. I would be one of those that believe the first burst of emotion -- that first reaction -- is always the truest, as it is the most pure. Others would gainsay that you need time to make a proper decision. I usually rebutt that time blurs the true intent. After all, if you already know what you want and/or need ... what else is there to think?
However, when it comes to matters close to the heart --yes, I can hear some poeple snickering there! -- I've always been cautious. I wouldn't lie by saying I've never felt the intense burst of lust or developed unhealty fixations or (gads!) even hormone-driven infatuation ... yet I'm never quite foolish enough to believe them as otherwise. It was with great delight -- and I admit with a healthy dose of chagrin on my part -- that I suddenly realize I've found someone ... and I never quite expected it!
I've been more or less oblivious that there have been times I'm too ensconced in my own head that I don't pay much attention to the people around me. Perhaps that would be the primary reason I'm perceived as aloof, snobbish or cold -- my vitriolic tongue-lashings notwithstanding. La, gushing is not something I'm prone to and I still find myself being a veritable Chesire cat at times. I admit that loopy smiles and I do not usually go hand-in-hand.
I wouldn't presume to know where this will lead, but I'm willing to find out. And the one who made me smile again seems willing to accompany me. Perhaps the journey alone is worth it.
I would like to say that yes, I walk around with an exposed nerve. I'm emotionally trigger-happy. I would be one of those that believe the first burst of emotion -- that first reaction -- is always the truest, as it is the most pure. Others would gainsay that you need time to make a proper decision. I usually rebutt that time blurs the true intent. After all, if you already know what you want and/or need ... what else is there to think?
However, when it comes to matters close to the heart --yes, I can hear some poeple snickering there! -- I've always been cautious. I wouldn't lie by saying I've never felt the intense burst of lust or developed unhealty fixations or (gads!) even hormone-driven infatuation ... yet I'm never quite foolish enough to believe them as otherwise. It was with great delight -- and I admit with a healthy dose of chagrin on my part -- that I suddenly realize I've found someone ... and I never quite expected it!
I've been more or less oblivious that there have been times I'm too ensconced in my own head that I don't pay much attention to the people around me. Perhaps that would be the primary reason I'm perceived as aloof, snobbish or cold -- my vitriolic tongue-lashings notwithstanding. La, gushing is not something I'm prone to and I still find myself being a veritable Chesire cat at times. I admit that loopy smiles and I do not usually go hand-in-hand.
I wouldn't presume to know where this will lead, but I'm willing to find out. And the one who made me smile again seems willing to accompany me. Perhaps the journey alone is worth it.
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